Mustache Marathon 2: No Holds Barred (1989)



What was going through the minds of people making movies in 1989?  There were great movies, but why was there also No Holds Barred?  Why did this movie come out when it did?  Why did this movie come out?

Did people really think that Hulk Hogan could be a movie star?  And even if he became one, did people think he would be a good movie star?  Did people think that Hulk Hogan was a good enough wrestler that his “talent” could cross over into the movies?  Was he that good at the stuff that wasn’t actual wrestling that people thought he would be fun to watch?

Why was No Holds Barred written so terribly?  Did a five-year old have a dream one night?  Did that five-year old wake up and write it down?  Did the five-year old tell an adult and the adult wrote it down?  Did the adult love their child too much, so much so that they thought it was an amazing script and shopped it to the WWF?  Did the WWF actually read this script before producing this movie?  Did anybody read this script before producing this movie?

Why do they use the word “dookie?”  Who uses that word?  Did a lot of people use that word in 1989?  Did they say it in the same horrible way that it is said in No Holds Barred?  Did the director not think to redo that line so that it didn’t sound like a reading of a script written by a five-year old?

How is it that wrestlers become superheroes?  Does fake fighting make you have super-strength?    Does every wrestler in a movie fight like they are Superman, or is it just in No Holds Barred?  Can a wrestler really bust through the roof of a limousine, defeat four guys in a brawl, and rip a door off of the same limousine?  Is that possible, without the wrestler getting hurt?  Is it?

When two people are angry with each other, do they really just stare and grunt for five minutes before fighting?  Wouldn’t they just throw punches?  Why would they stand still staring into each other’s faces, with their noses steaming and their flowing blond handlebar mustaches moving with each breath?  Wouldn’t they just fight?

How does the bed movie so violently if someone is doing push-ups on the floor beside it, not touching it?  Why would it shake as if someone is having sex, or playing with themselves on it?  Doesn’t that defy some of the laws of physics?

Why was the best part of No Holds Barred the credits?  Shouldn’t the climax have been better than the credits?  Shouldn’t I have wanted the movie to keep going?  Why did I want it to end ten minutes into the movie?  Aren’t you doing a bad job if I feel that way?

Why does this movie exist?

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